For no apparent reason, Chuck Norris has suddenly become the Twitter trend of the moment. Probably some kind of memorial day, even though the bastard hasn’t died yet.
Anyway, even though Chuckie is one of the most pathetic n00bs of our day and age, the quotes (or facts) about this martial arts master are still pretty funny. So I thought I’d open my text editor and watch Twitterfall on Chuck Norris for half an hour. I wrote down a couple and filtered the crappy ones.
Feel free to comment below with your additions or royalty claims.
Here we go:
- Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete
- When God said “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said “say please”
- Chuck Norris gave birth to himself… and his parents
- Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King.. and got one
- Chuck Norris can take a woman’s virginity, twice
- Chuck Norris built the house he was born in
- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won.
- Chuck Norris is Luke’s real father
- Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin from your desktop
- Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is
- When Chuck Norris Sleeps, time stands still
- Chuck Norris built a snowman out of rain
- Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird
- Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
- Chuck Norris spits on the sun so that night can happen
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need Twitter, he’s already following you
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states
- Chuck Norris doesn’t have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway
- Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits
- When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
- Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight
- Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own
- Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye
- Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food
- Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full
- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors
- Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid
- Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face
- Chuck Norris survived an abortion
- Chuck Norris once slapped Jesus for “making inferior wine”. When Jesus turned the other cheek, Chuck finished him off with a good roundhouse
- The bible was originally entitled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
- There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says
- Chuck Norris opened a Facebook account on Myspace
- Chuck Norris trained Chris Brown
- Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary…with a guitar hero controller
- Chuck norris doesn’t mow his lawn he dares it to grow
- Jesus may walk on water, but Chuck Norris swims through land
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill
- If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be called Chucktober and every day he’d kick your ass
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice
- Chuck Norris is currently the #2 trend on Twitter. If he’s not #1 soon, there will be Hell to pay!
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille
By the way, Chuck Norris should have been shot a decade ago.
Chuck Norris jokes never get old!!
hell no! I wonder where he's at these days though.